This year has been really crazy. In some ways, the first year of college has felt endless. Endless hours of studying, practicing, going through the grind. Thousands of trips from Herriott to FAC, seeming to get longer every time. Five-ish months of ridiculous cold, never leaving the room without coat, scarf, mittens, earmuffs, so much hassle. Stupid professors that don't understand that I am TRYING my BEST. Friends who flake, situations that fall through, a few nights left lonely. Dealing with depression and anxiety. Away from my family, my best friend, and the people I have sat across the classroom with since first grade. So much change. Caffeine headaches, changing majors, paperwork, relentless to do lists. Time stretches on forever.
Yet at the same time, it is so fleeting.
It feels like just a few short weeks ago that I was driving around my hometown in the hot summer air with the windows down, thinking about how scary college would be. I would eat meals alone, struggle to fit in, be pressured to do things I simply don't like, such as drink. Feel lonely.
I was nothing short of shocked when college felt like home quickly, when friends were plentiful and welcoming. My best efforts were given continuously. Fun was had by all, new relationships were made, and respect was earned from professors. I made myself a nice cozy little home at Drake, and it seems weird to be leaving, even just for three months. I have learned so very much here.
I have improved greatly as a musician. Coming into college, I could not read the bass clef, couldn't find sol from do, and could only tell you where middle C was if the "steinmier" label was in the right place. (hint: below the S). I remember literally asking Ryan Bower during a theory class which notes on the piano don't have a half step between them (which, if you don't know music, is utterly shameful.) By the end of this year, I composed a four part choral work, played Beethoven pieces on the piano, and rocked my voice jury. These are hurdles that would have made my cry, if I had truly known what I was getting myself into upon the start of this adventure.
This is not to toot my own horn and throw sparkles at my accomplishments, but rather to marvel at how much stronger everyone is than we think. If I have learned anything this year, it is that I can handle more than I think I can. Challenges should be met with gratitude. Without struggle, rewards are empty. The sweetest rewards are those that are hard earned.
Having changed my major, I feel as though I am behind the curve and wandering aimlessly. I have regrets from the year, but those aren't helping anybody. Let them go, live happily. I remember my dad telling me before I left, "If you are lucky, the thing you will learn in college is who you are." I'm not there yet, but I think I am headed in the right direction. It's not about goals. It's about moving, growing, letting life happen.
Today when I was walking between dorms, I was struck by the scene. It was balmy, dark, warm, and glittery. The lights on the street were in happy contrast to the deep foliage around the landscaping, marked with benches, bridges, and a small downhill lined with stone. The campus was silent, and seemed to be pondering the comings and goings of life through its doors. The atmosphere reminded me of a beautiful outdoor hotel I stayed in once, on some vacation or another. It was nighttime, and I was up way past my bedtime. Walking around, I felt excitement in the air. I was somewhere brand new, feeling posh and special, free, tingly. The color scheme was the same. It seemed like I was constantly on the brink of something absolutely fantastic.
These mental snapshots are what it's all about, I think. Moments. Experiences, memories, flashes. Moments. Some are good, some are beautiful, some are bad.
But no matter what, they are yours.
