Alice's rabbit

It's so easy to get caught up in it all, isn't it? Life, I mean. Problems arise, and they always have a way of seeming so very big. Suddenly deadlines are all consuming, and nothing else matters. Friends needs are trampled, parents aren't greeted, waitresses are not smiled at. Rooms are left messy, sleep is restless, too much coffee consumed. Shoes are scattered about, makeup sprinkles the desk, papers are dirtied underfoot.

A trail of chaos is left in your wake, but you don't have TIME to think about it. Things are getting lost and overlooked. You'd fix it if you could, but can't everybody see that you CAN'T? If professors wouldn't be so vindictive and work so demanding and tasks so impossible, then maybe you'd slow down. But the world is just completely unfair and nothing ever seems to go according to plan.

Even as it is, the idea of a social life seems laughable. Friends become those convenient, the ones that are seen every day as you rush from task to task. You make plans and have to cancel, but it's not your fault, seeing as there is SO very much to be doing. Planners are beaten and scribbled all over, phone numbers hastily written on the mirror, hose ripped while putting them on at lighting speed while brushing your teeth at the same time. Your bible sits unopened.

... When you have a free moment, you don't even know what to do. Relaxing no longer comes naturally. Knots in your shoulders, butterflies in your stomach, and sweaty palms have become your closest friends. You wake up before your alarm, already tense.

Because really, if you can just reach Friday, then everything will be fine. If you can just get through to the test, everything will go back to normal and you will be greeted with open arms by those you have stepped over on the way. Right? Because it's not your fault. You are doing your best. You are trying harder than anyone around you. You know you have to have it together at all times, and it doesn't matter how you reach it. You HAVE to be the best. You have to do everything, be everywhere, never stop.  Never.
Never.
Never.
Because if you stop, you will have failed. The moment you relax, you will crack. Your armor will break, and you will be exposed as the weak pretender that you really are. You don't belong here, really. You're not good enough. Just don't let them see it.



I don't know why I started writing this saying "you."
This is me. This is what I do.

It is so easy to get caught up in it all, isn't it?

Turns out that this is not what life is all about. Thinking about things from hurdle to hurdle does not bring happiness. Running through life focusing solely on the future prevents you from enjoying the present. My fear is that I will get to some distant point in my future and be atop my personal mountain of stress and empty accomplishments, standing alone, comforted only by regrets.

When I look back at what my life has amounted to so far, I do not think about my GPA, my scholarships, my career path, or whether things went according to plan. I think about moments of laughter and inhibitions tossed aside. I think about the bittersweet times that God has tested my faith, and forced me to lean on Him. I think about pretty days, meaningful conversations, warm fires, soft beds, prayers, and dinner tables. I think about the people I love, the ones who mean everything to me. Because love, more than anything, defines a life.

Don't lose track. Don't turn into alice's rabbit.

Find love, and live for it.

Typical college student.

So I'm probably going to change my major.

It turns out that music education and painting are absolutely incompatible, so I am being forced to decide what my priorities are earlier than I might have liked to. If I want to paint, I can't do education. As much as I have been panicking, pacing, worrying, and shouting random things whilst trying to make this decision, I think it has been good for me. Because let's be honest, I am the type of person who would gladly put off life decisions for the rest of my life. I realize the irony.

After chats with many professors, advisors, and people who think they should tell me what to do regardless of whether or not I ask, I have decided to do a major in music business and a minor in painting. For now.

I realize that this is a terrifying idea. What kind of masochistic right-brained wacko thinks they can do music and art at the same time? Professionally even? Wow, pretty stupid, riiiiight? And really, why bother going for the business side of things, because no one will hire you anyways, since you currently live in a culture-less state in the midwest. Who needs art and music? Certainly not Iowans.

That's the point though, isn't it. The point of college is to explore and try things and *warning: cliche* dream big. Assuming that one career will lead to more success than another is presumptuous. Who knows what anything can lead to, really. Medical students are having to look hard for jobs. Music students are being accepted to law school over poli sci kids. True, there is the possibility that I could make no money at all. It is also true that I could make lots. It is the most true, however, that money does not happiness buy. My family has never had money, and I happen to have had a splendid childhood, thank you very much. And here I am, sitting at Drake university. I have traveled to two continents and am going to China this summer completely free. I am getting a world class education and am a fairly put together young lady. Do I have piles of cash? Surely not. But I am happy. So who cares if I make lots of money, if it's something I love. What I'm looking for is to make deep connections with those around me, create music and art, love God, make a family, and live with my eyes wide open. Money is not necessary for any of these things.

If there was no struggle, no change, no challenge; I would be paying too much to be here. If I was perfect at everything I did in college, I would be in the wrong place. I am about to dive head first into things that will challenge the hell out of me, but at least I will know that I am growing.  I will second guess myself millions of times, and who knows... maybe I will switch back to music ed after a semester (or less). But it's college. What 19 year old really knows what they are doing? The really UN-FUN ones, that's who. I am going to try something that interests me, and we'll just see how it goes.

After all, life without challenges would not require faith.