Chasing happiness.

After a really big thunder storm, it is easy to walk outside and see how peaceful and pretty everything is. After it's been cold since October, April sunshine seems to be the most radiant and soothing feeling in the world. After running around downtown Chicago late at night during Saint Patrick's day with only my boyfriend, I was amazed at how safe and secure I felt when I got home. After I perform in front of lots of people, I always have a ravenous appetite from being nervous the whole day. The world always seems so much kinder after exams are over.

Life seems to be composed of these tensions and relief, the constant ebb and flow.

What I want is to be happy; even when it is storming, cold, frightening, nerve-wracking, and stressful. This semester, I have been trying my damnedest to figure out how to find this sort of invincible happiness. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression lately, and the storms and stress have had enormous power over me. Even little things have been able to keep me feeling down for a week at a time, keep me questioning myself. Confidence is nowhere to be found when feeling like this. I have been going through the motions trying to bide my time until I feel like my normal, bubbly, outgoing self again.

What I realized while waiting, however, is that what I need is not happiness. I need joy. Unshakable joy. There is a big difference between the two. Happiness comes from circumstances, from getting the things you want, from instant gratification. Joy is something entirely different. Joy comes from the knowledge that you are in love with someone much, much greater than you, who will uphold you and protect you for the rest of time. The kind of love that fulfills your entire soul, so that you do not want. This love is holy, and comes only from God.

Unlike happiness, joy can be found even in the darkest of times. Joy is a decision that you make every day. It is not an easy decision, but when you finally muster up the courage to do it, life takes a serious turn for the better. Suddenly, I feel as though my future is so free, and that I can do anything I want to. There is no way to know what I will want to be when I grow up until I get there, so I might as well enjoy the ride. People come in and out of life, but it doesn't mean I have to be crushed when they walk away. Sometimes lonely can be good. And most of all, God has a plan.

When I allow myself to stop trying to change things that are not in my control, I become who I really am. I get goofy, weird, and embarrassing to be around. I sing obnoxiously at all times, make hideous faces, and attempt some crazy dance moves that I have absolutely no business doing. When I am like this, all is right with the world.

Life is all about balance. I need to count my blessings and stop chasing happiness. Instead, seek joy.