Weird thing is... I have found the answer. The path that lead me to this epiphany was in realizing that I hate myself.
Woah woah woah, don't check out. This isn't THAT kind of blog. Simmer.
Ever since I had a bowl cut in the 90's, I have known that I am a sinner. I am disgusting. I am awful. That God finds my very nature to be putrid. My self image has been wrapped around this idea that I am deeply broken and appalling.
I'm not sure if children are always taught of God's wrath first because it is meant to scare the pink-cheeked, middle-class, patent-leather-shoed children of America into submission... or if small minds are only capable of avoiding the negative. Regardless of the origin, I knew to fear God. I knew that if I didn't say my prayers right, or missed a Sunday, or swore at my sister, that I would be condemned to hell (which, disclaimer, is not scriptural truth... HELLO.)
I had a running scoreboard in my head, something similar to the house points at Hogwarts. 10 points to sin! 50 points to righteousness! It was a race of sorts, my soul balancing in the middle. My ideology was focused upon the idea that sin separates man from God. I knew that scripture refers to the idea that all sin is equal. All sin is equal before the eyes of God, meaning that rolling my eyes at my mother and murder are equally horrific to God. This is all true.
Yet, I missed something big along the way.
My middle name is Grace, did you know that? Lindsey Grace Clegg. Do you know what grace means? I didn't.
GRACE [gr-ae-s[ Noun: Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.
Sins are like the bottom of the ocean floor. Human lies, and views their sin as shallow, near the beach. Human rapes, and this sin is viewed to be at the depths of the deep. But grace is the top of the still, still water. God's love is the the ocean, filling in all the inequities of the floor of the sea and allowing grace to cover everything.
Once you confess with your mouth that God is LORD and believe in your heart, then the Heavenly Father sees you from atop the still waters. This idea absolutely blows my mind. I cannot fully understand why God shows us grace, or why His mercies and love are never ceasing.
It is, truly, comforting to know how much of God I do not understand. I will never come to understand grace, and why God chose for me to partake in it. Yet if we had a God that we were able to understand, there would be no need for faith. There would be no need for His love. Without love given freely, there would be no cross. Without the cross, God never would have turned His back on Jesus during the final hours. Without God having turned His back on His only son, He would have to turn His back on me.
At the end of the day, here is what I know:
-I am a sinner, and deserve God's wrath
-God loves me freely anyway.
I relish the beautiful, paradoxical juxtaposition between the wrath of the fear-inspiring God and His all consuming love for us. Jesus took all of the punishment we deserve for having sinned on the cross. The old is gone, and the new is come. The veil was torn, and there is no longer any need for the old law. There is no guilt in the promise of eternal life in bliss, because it is GIVEN FREELY. It is given with grace.
I am still that rotten 5 year old with the patent-leather shoes. But I am a rotten little tramp who has learned that God doesn't look at my sin. Instead, He looks into my heart and sees that I believe He is LORD, and allows my waters to be stilled with grace.
I can now view myself as lovely, because I have been reborn to be so. I am in the image of God. I am the daughter of an all-sufficient King. Jesus ransomed me, hanging on the hillside.
"There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Because you belong to Him, the power of the life-giving spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death."
-Romans 8-1-2
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