Florescent Futures

I have this weird thing where I see situations in colors.

Memories form into different color palates, generally highly evocative of the mood or feeling I have towards such memory. That is to say, memories of middle school appear under florescent lighting against stark backgrounds and unfriendly shades of beige and navy. Memories of summer are warm and vibrant and contrasting in colors. When I think about uncomfortable conversations, I color them with cool colors and empty spaces. Time spent in the company of friends generally takes on blues and oranges.

This bizarre habit is what, I believe, has allowed me to manipulate colors into moods on canvas. It also has turned me into a freak about lighting. I HATE when there are harsh overhead lights and no warm lamps or natural lighting. The florescent travesties found in PE gyms, office buildings, and doctors' offices immediately affect my mood.

I therefore, see my future in shades of colors. Understandably, I have dismissed with ease the idea of working anywhere with office lighting. There are deeper reasonings behind this as well, of course, but this is the one that comes quickest to mind.

And when I imagine myself happy as a music teacher, I see my classroom with warm lighting, christmas lights, sophisticated paintings, posters of composers smiling and vibrant xylophones sitting against the wall. There are silly and happy things, such as bean bag chairs and magnets on the board saying "Never never never give up!" I am laughing with the children in my classroom, playing the guitar with happy faces singing along.

Now, I realize fully that colorfully painted xylophones, posters, and specific lighting are not what will bring me happiness in my job. But when I imagine gray walls, harsh lighting, children with overly pale faces and greasy hair, the room too large and unwelcoming... I begin to panic. I picture myself standing at the chalk board, writing out scales and enthusiastically encouraging children to participate. I swallow hard, no one responds.

When I picture my future in this lighting, buried fears spin out of control. Without the happy colors, I realize that I may be inadequate for this career path, that I am having to work twice as hard as everyone around me, that I will not be paid anything at all, that I will never marry due to my plaguing unhappiness, that I will regret every decision I've made since high school for the rest of my life. I clearly should have been a chemist. Certainly I would be happy in my science lab, filled with cool blues and beakers that reflect the light in interesting ways and crisp and clean lab coats.

I'm fully aware that this is a poor way to make life decisions... but still.

I should probably just be an artist.