Protecting me from monsters.

I like to push people away. I go home early, cancel first dates, ignore phone calls. I plan evenings all by myself. I dismiss opportunities, run away from conflict, and avoid hospitals and nursing homes. I hate change. I can be bossy, controlling, critical. My mood changes quickly, and I am deeply affected by the feelings of those around me. I get lost and frustrated and angry and don't communicate well. I shut down and become despondent, give up easily. I over-analyze everything. I whine. I put myself first. I can't make decisions on my own, and take it out on those I love. I make snap judgements, and find excuses to skip school, skip town, skip life. I feel guilty. I have regrets. I fear the future. It is incredibly difficult for me to depend on anyone else. I rarely ask for help. I get jealous and disheartened whenever I feel compared to those around me, particularly the beautiful and talented. I am messy.

I'm a pretty broken and screwed up person, if you want to know the truth... But there is something I have found that takes it all away.

The love of my creator is radically beautiful. Remarkably, impossibly, beautiful.

My Lord turns his face from my past, and makes me new. He thinks about me often. So often, in fact, that He has written me a love letter. His love pours into all my cracks, and I am whole. He knows the number of hairs on my head.

I screw up time and time again, and he patiently takes it all away whenever I ask. Like an indulging parent, he lets me run around screaming my head off, writing in permanent marker all over the walls, throwing my gifts from Him everywhere like an ungrateful little brat. I kick His shins, pout, whine, throw fists. I rip at my hair, stomp my feet, and curse Him for making me the way I am. He just sits patiently, never folding His open arms.

When I finally fall asleep from throwing my temper tantrum, He picks me up gently, kisses my forehead, whispers how much He loves me, and tucks me in. He reminds me that He made me, and I should honor his creation, for He makes everything glorious. He brushes the hair out of my eyes, smiles, and takes away all the pain. Time and time again, He holds nothing against me.

He sits outside my door, listening to me sleep, protecting me from monsters.